I Am So Fucking Tired All the Time
Yesterday I published a piece about my special night ritual, and if it gave you the impression that I've got everything figured out now I'm here to dispel it. In fact, as I was reading the piece after publishing it, I got a bit teary-eyed thinking about how far I am from holding my shit together.
I am so fucking tired all the time.
I am so fucking tired, and I've been for so long that I can't even remember the last time I got out of bed feeling rested and ready to tackle the day.
I have fibromyalgia, which is the reason why I can never get enough sleep. The pain of FM disrupts my sleep cycle, but in turn the tiredness and stress due to lack of sleep worsen the symptoms of FM. Migraines can hit me at any time for a thousands reason, or none at all. My skin is randomly breaking out in hives, the corners of my mouth are cracking and bleeding and, since apparently I didn't have enough, I recently developed lichen1.
All these problems may pale in comparison to the many other life-threatening diseases that are out there, but to me each of them feels like a cut, and with enough cuts I'll eventually bleed out.
Death by a thousand papercuts.
Does it mean that the ritual I shared doesn't work, then? Well, I don't know. Maybe I'd be in even worse shape if I didn't do it. Maybe I just want to feel like I'm doing something, anything. That was the reason I started practicing meowgic, after all: to find and take back some control in a moment of my life when it felt like I had none.
And who knows, maybe one day I'll sleep again.
no link, because it's a skin condition and some pictures are gnarly.↩